Lavender Walls

Hiatus

I am still deciding whether to switch blogs again or not...

I had a restless night yesterday. I awoke with a heavy feeling in my heart at 4:00 am, but I could not go back to sleep. Feeling the need to release the emotions I had been feeling since I woke up, I decided to head downstairs approximately two hours later. I was about to turn on the computer and blog when I was stopped by my mother who was worried about my restlessness. She asked me what was wrong. Tears began to form in my eyes. As soon as she told me that I would feel much better if I cried, I released all of my defenses and surrendered to my tears. As I cried, I felt the heaviness leave me tear by tear. When I was finished, my mother and I talked about the problems that I had been experiencing recently with a long-distance relationship that had been going on for the past year.

Siofok accommodationLet me tell you. I never knew how understanding my mother actually is. It was a very good and comforting feeling because I finally felt like I could truly be honest with her about the confusing mound of feelings that I had been experiencing for a year. I didn't need to hide it from her anymore. My mother knew that I had feelings for him all along. I had been feeling very conflicted inside for the past year as I struggled to choose between doing what my heart told me to do and satisfying the wishes of my family. Unfortunately, this revelation came too late as our relationship had been damaged by a series of fights that have been initiated by fears and misunderstandings about each other. I discovered that I had always been allowed to make my own choices about this all along. That as long as I was happy, my parents would be happy even though they were initially opposed to it.

We have made up and sought to resolve things on our own. As of now, our discussion is left unfinished. Regardless of whether the discussion ends or not, I feel that things can never return to the way they were before. I believe that we have been slowly drifting apart this past month as we spent less and less time talking to each other. Fears and misunderstandings served to increase the negative feelings we had of each other.

Although I have a choice between working things out with him and moving on, I choose to move on. I wish it did not have to be so, but I feel that this is for the best. I wish not to reveal too much of my emotions in a public blog, but the feelings that I had for him prior to the fights have dissipated for the most part. I wish to devote a night to discuss things with him, but the feeling I received was that repairing our relationship was not as important and serious a priority to him as it is to me. As it stands, I feel like I can only be good friends with him now. I will always reminisce and reflect fondly on our special and wonderful past, but in doing so, one must also look forward. My heart is ready to fall in love again a second time. However, it will be a while yet before I am ready for love again. I am only 22. I still need to finish my education, take part in an active social life, pursue a career and indulge in my interests.

I feel free and it is a wonderful feeling indeed.